Affection and Understanding

“We can feel loved, protected and nurtured because we are loved, protected and nurtured, by God himself.” - Kathy Spampinato

We as humans, have needs: from the basic necessities of food, water, and shelter, to the need for work, rest, and friendship. When one of our needs is not met we feel that lack and we seek to fill in the gaps, to make ourselves feel better. The things we choose to help us have varying levels of success. We compulsively try and plug the holes in our lives. Sometimes we find a healthy way to do that, but often we'll substitute something, or someone, that is destructive or manipulative. We just want to feel better now! That will push us to turn to alcohol, gambling, or something else that gives us a temporary high and helps us to forget that we're not feeling fulfilled. We go looking for love in all the wrong places.

I would like to suggest that God provides a better way. We rely on God and He nurtures our body, soul and spirit while meeting our needs. We feel loved, protected and nurtured because we are loved, protected and nurtured, by God himself. This might sound like an unreachable dream, but God has a plan for your life. Cultivating a relationship with God allows us to grow and begin to use wisdom.

Our needs for affection and understanding are fundamental components of how God made us. We are driven to seek love and affection, and need to feel understood. Our need should drive us to God because He has provided His love to meet that need. His love can fundamentally transform our lives. Let us look at a prayer and petition from the Bible. It shows us an example of turning to God for our needs and allowing God’s love to satisfy our lack whether it is practical, emotional, or spiritual. Growth as a person, whether emotionally, or spiritually, will simultaneously contribute in many areas, to a healthy satisfaction in life.

Psalm 109: 21-22, 26 ESV “But you, O God my Lord, deal on my behalf for your name’s sake; because your steadfast love is good, deliver me! For I am poor and needy, and my heart is stricken within me. Help me, O Lord my God! Save me according to your steadfast love!”

These verses show someone honestly sharing their reality and need with God. Being loved is so foundational to how we view ourselves, that our need for affection can twist our thoughts, behaviors, and identity. It can affect our relationships and marriages. God understands our hearts and He wants us to reach out to him for answers. He longs to show us His love and meet our needs. When we truly understand the extent of God’s love for us, we feel valued and cherished. We have been designed to receive love and self image from our relationship with God first, and then from others. When Christ died for our sins, He showed the high value He puts on us. Scripture is God’s story of love for us, His people.

1 John 4: 9-11 “In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.”

Our relationships with others should be a reflection of God’s love for us. Relationships are part of God’s design for fulfilling our needs. Sometimes people assume true friendship or marital oneness means you have complete unity and agreement, but that is unrealistic. You are two distinct personalities with your own unique way of thinking and reacting. Believing that the goal is always agreeing or having similar thinking will lead to constant angst and a futile attempt to convince the other person to be like you. Constantly trying to force agreement and change someone’s thinking will bring greater conflict. That can lead to broken friendships, and broken hearts and marriages. You can cripple your own need for affection this way.

The true nature of your need is to be understood: to be fully known and accepted as you are. If we recognize that our need is to share our hearts and be understood, we can stop trying to convince our friends or spouse that they must be in total agreement with us. We can let go of the manipulation and debate. It is a blessing to agree, but not a necessity in every area. We can share our hearts and minds with others without demanding that others change to suit us. We want to understand them, and be understood. Judgement is put aside. Agreement will flow in many areas because of understanding and respect instead of desperation.

We can absorb the love of God to satisfy our need, and then share with our spouse or friend out of the overflow. God’s love is the ultimate source of fulfillment. When we let the love of God fill our hearts and minds, our needs are met and we have peace in our soul. Let God show you His love. It may be different that you imagine, but it fulfills. It satisfies.

Psalm 119: 76-77, 81 “Let your steadfast love comfort me according to your promise to your servant. Let your mercy come to me, that I may live; for your law is my delight. My soul longs for your salvation; I hope in your word.”

Feeling cared for and appreciated brings us a sense of safety and security. God’s promises on our behalf give us confidence in who we are and how well He will look after us. Let’s look to God for the fulfillment of our needs. Then our relationships with others can grow and flourish without the stranglehold of our need and manipulation choking them.

Stop and think about this for a few minutes. Can you see how your needs for affection and understanding have twisted your view of yourself and your relationships? Are there ways in which you’ve erected a defensive wall between you and a loved one? Have you tried to convince a friend that your way is the only way, and they’ll need to think like you do? Is God prompting you to do something differently? Do you believe God might have a better way? Why don’t you ask Him to show you how to understand and respect your loved ones instead of trying to reason with them until they change?

Please join me in this simple prayer:

Heal my heart O God. Let me be whole again. Thank You for your love and your faithfulness. Father God, teach me how to come to You with my needs. Fill my heart with your love so that I have completeness and a reservoir to share with my loved ones. I praise You for your healing power. Amen.

*Note: Today's Blog is an excerpt from my book, "Overcoming Disappointment and Discouragement", 2022, by Kathy Spampinato, Xulon Press