Fear of Rejection

"Perhaps it is time you allowed God to help you examine your defenses and unravel your pain. He alone can heal the broken heart." Kathy Spampinato

The relational challenges and difficulties of childhood can lead us to a fear of rejection. As children, we are inherently immature and are not skilled in managing conflict or manipulation. We do not have the insight or understanding to accurately assess what people say, let alone their behavior. We desperately want to be accepted and to build friendships, but we are just not sure of the best way to do it. Some will react by taking control of the situation and the people. Often, our reaction is to try and conform, and to appease others just to fit in. We do not want to be the outsider or the one who does not belong. We never wanted to find ourselves the last one picked for a team game, or eating alone in the school lunchroom.

Fear of rejection is a reasonable response to these circumstances, which we’ve all experienced at some point. However, rejection can cause us to build defenses that gives us a pattern to follow the next time. Our emotions can be programmed to respond in a way we think will help protect us. We can react in anger or anxiety. We will often dismiss others before they can reject us. We can easily develop a habit of conforming to peer pressure, and choosing to participate in things that go against our own moral values. We do not want to rock the boat. We can unknowingly change our behavior and preferences to align with the crowd and appear more acceptable to others. These changes give us friends and companions, but they also obscure who we really are, and confuse us about our own identity and self-esteem. When you add in all the expectations of family and culture, we sometimes even take on a complete identity as the one rejected, different, and alone.

These coping skills cause us to open a door to spiritual pressure that begins to construct a stronghold in our lives. This brings confusion as to who we are as a child of God, what we’re meant to do, and who we should become as we grow up. Our battle against rejection will make it harder to hear what Holy Spirit is revealing about God’s love, and about who He called us to be. Can you see that some of your adult behavior might have had its root in a childhood experience? Can you see that your perceptions of God have been skewed by rejection or anxiety? Do you trust that God really loves you and is working on your behalf?

When I look at my own battle with a fear of rejection, I find it has caused me to hold back. Sometimes it is holding myself back physically when meeting new people, but it can also be holding back emotionally, spiritually, or verbally. I assess how people respond before revealing who I am. Fear of being rejected can color all your relationships. You develop coping mechanisms that hide the fear from family and friends. You begin to find your self-esteem only in comparison with others, and not in who you are as distinct. For some, it can also cause them to hold back from God, feeling that He has already rejected them. He hasn’t answered their prayers to fix things, or hasn’t done the things that they believe a loving God would do. They have not perceived the love of God for them because their heart is wounded and cautious.

I have spent quite a bit of time unravelling the effects of rejection from my past. The word of God has been a guide to discovering who I am in Christ, and how much the Father loves me. It has been a revelation that I am already accepted as God’s beloved child. I do not have to prove that I am acceptable. He has already chosen to love me. Here are some of the truths that have set me free from a fear of rejection. I now walk boldly knowing my own strengths, and God’s strength in me. I am confident in who I am because of what He has done in me.

Romans 5:8 ESV “but God showed his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

John 3:17 “For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.”

John 8:32, 36 “and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.”

We have nothing to prove. We do not earn acceptance. It is a free gift. We are redeemed and restored through our relationship with Jesus. Perhaps it is time you allowed Him to help you examine your defenses and unravel your pain. He alone can heal the broken heart. He will set you free to be all that He created you for. Let the love of God change your perceptions and your understanding. Enjoy the journey into freedom!

Romans 12:2 “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”